Status Update
Improv and other creative ventures
It’s been a few months of slow movement on this blog. I feel obligated to it, mostly for my subscribers.
Perhaps I should release myself of the responsibility. I’m unsure.
But I do want to tell my stories.
When your self-esteem was shot to hell from a young age and then you receive criticism online…imagine what that can do to your perception of speaking out.
The difficulty of it is the requirement to be present. The moments I do take are in solitude, safe and alone, away from everyone and everything. If I become vulnerable in public spaces, I risk criticism. The triggers and backlash remind me of times I shared my thoughts and feelings on public platforms but was shamed, criticized or ridiculed for them.
This happened on several occasions.
When your self-esteem was shot to hell from a young age and then you receive criticism online…imagine what that can do to your perception of speaking out.
So I did not speak out.
I faded into the background. I became a “lurker” on social platforms. I made my blogs private. I deleted some of them. I did not want to rock the boat.
And yet, here I am telling the truth. The difference is that not many people have an argument to make with me, likely due to my content’s lack of reach. That’s fine for now. Eventually, I’ll need to learn how to handle the negativity when it comes. I’ll have my big girl pants on.
Beyond being honest here, I’ve ventured out and done some things differently this year. Including something I’m proud of and honestly excited about.
I took a beginner’s improv class starting in February. This 10-week course injected things into my system that I forgot I had. Pure joy for one, passion, vigor, love. I forgot that I came from a childhood where I immersed myself in the arts—all of them.
I was Rizzo in Grease in the eighth grade. I sang in choir and cantered at masses. I joined the drama club for one play in high school. I just never really thought I was good enough for the theatre. I loved it, but it didn’t love me. And besides, that, doing drama in Catholic schools was all a bunch of politics anyway. The blonde girl got to play Sandy in Grease (the role I wanted, although I did a great job with Rizzo), and the drama teacher once I got to high school did not like me at all. And I don’t blame her, I lacked enthusiasm in her Honors English class. I never had my homework done and I rarely participated (it had less to do with her and more to do with possible undiagnosed ADHD, demand avoidance and issues with authority).
Nonetheless, I could tell. This woman detested me. As a teenager, this was especially discouraging. So giving up on drama club was easy. And when college came, I skipped it there as well. The competitiveness was disheartening. I wanted to feel like I was part of it, not someone in the background. I know the saying—there are no small parts, only small actors. But that didn’t resonate.
Being in this improv class I felt like I was a star in each scene I tried, each step I took. Committing to an emotion, advancing the story.
So I’ve been throwing myself into it. The class culminated in a showcase, where I felt so fulfilled and alive. I got to sing! And I got to perform with amazing people.
I’ve just started the intermediate class and I’m excited for what’s next, character work apparently.
With all that said, my writing has taken a backseat. And I don’t necessarily hate it.
There’s also this venture with music I’ve been thinking about…signing up for voice lessons to enhance my natural talent.
And I just got back from a retreat recently, where I’ve come to realize how much progress I’ve made in the “self-work” arena. I am and have been doing the work. And I can finally see it’s been paying off.
There have been profound shifts within me. And now is the time for integration. I have no “big ideas” for what’s next with my writing. And that’s okay, for now.
I’ll try to keep this blog going when it feels good and right.
But I won’t stress myself out for it anymore. And if you feel compelled to cancel your paid subscription, I won’t fault you. I understand and appreciate your support anyway. I do hope you stay for free content (which is most of it anyway). I hope you can follow me along my journey as I narrate it here. And I hope you find something good in it.
That’s all I can really ask for.
All is as it should be (as said by a wise woman at my retreat).
