Today marks 4 months without alcohol. It was no easy feat, as I have been accustomed to a life filled with libations as a given in most social situations. It wasn’t hard for me to physically put down the glass, rather it was emotionally difficult for me to “other” myself.
Growing up I had this desperate need to fit in, even if it meant not being true to myself or not doing what was best for me. I didn’t want to be seen as uncool or weird. It’s something that perhaps I’m still holding onto a bit, residual pillars of past youth.
Alcohol and I had a love/hate relationship. I loved it, it hated me. Sometimes it seduced me with its allure. Sometimes I overindulged and couldn’t even remember the supposed good time I had while consuming it.
I had a come to Jesus moment with my drinking the day after partying all night long to celebrate my most recent birthday.
Crawling on the bathroom floor and clinging to the toilet bowl, I knew it was more than just getting the poison out right then, it was removing it from my life entirely.
All the escapism, partying, glamor and fun I saw in drinking would have to sit on a shelf, for how long I didn’t know.
And the choice was double-sided. I obviously didn’t want to end up in situations where I’d overindulge and pay the price. I also knew that removing alcohol from my life was a requirement for healing my body.
If I wanted a chance at moving forward and healing, I’d have to let it go.
As the iconic song “Bottoms Up” echoed in my mind, reminding me of taking shots in dorm rooms and dancing, I took a breath and let it go.
The life of the party had nothing to do with the drink and everything to do with the person.
In my 4 months of abstaining, I’ve learned a few things:
Increased awareness of the body and feelings
For me particularly, this is often highlighted by past trauma. A feeling of hyper-vigilance and anxiety can be excruciating. I’ve also felt tuned in to my physical body. If I had some anxiety was I shaking, did I feel pressure in my chest? I’ve noticed when my stomach feels bad, when my muscles hurt. It’s more acute and it gives me the chance to determine what I need. Rest? A walk? A karaoke night? A hug? I’m learning more each day how to really listen to my body and feel my feelings.
Social situations heighten anxiety
My confidence took a bit of a nosedive. Not having something to take the edge off created somewhat of a barrier between me and others. I wouldn’t say that this has necessarily improved but I would say that I’m more aware that I feel awkward and sometimes uncomfortable at bars or other situations where everyone else is drinking. I’m working toward building up my self-confidence by putting myself out there more often and what also helps is grabbing a club soda with lime.
Your body feels better without it
Since I have a few different intersecting problems with my health and physiology, it’s hard for me to definitively say that not drinking has made me feel better. But I can say that not drinking has prevented further suffering and damage. So in a way, my body feels better without it because I’m giving myself opportunities to heal. I’ve heard from many other people in likely better health that it significantly helps improve how they physically in a significant way.
There’s more clarity in your relationships and with self
Being able to fully be aware and present means you get go home and have the clearest memory of the evening. How did others interact? How did I interact with others? What did we talk about? Do I feel close to anyone? How did I feel about myself in that setting? Being sober alone also gives me the chance to check-in. I’ve felt a
My writing has never been more embodied
No notes on that one.
The re-emergence of past trauma that was previously masked by alcohol use
My trauma and difficult emotions came up. And that’s to be expected.
People will question your choice. Don’t let them shake you.
First of all, I really had to work through this to feel somewhat confident in myself outside. Second of all, screw you to literally anyone who drilled me for not drinking. I don’t owe you a reason. I can just decide not to drink.
Let me leave you with this:
It’s your body to do with what you wish.
And if you ever decide to take a break from alcohol, it will most certainly give you a new outlook.
So Inspiring! Awesome!
Congrats! 🩷🩷🩷